Not so long ago, I again watched a video of an interview with U.G. Krishnamurti. I love to watch those, because U.G.’s road taken has somewhat of a resemblance to mine, and I just adore the way he tries to convey the thing he found.
But it’s not only that. It’s also the resemblance of how he came to “understanding” this thing that resulted from what he calls his calamity.
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Nevertheless, to me it wasn’t a calamity in that particular sense — it was rather a non-calamity — and therefore there’s surely a difference. Things came about differently.
U.G. experienced a radical physical transformation in about a week’s time (with an aftermath of years), but I experienced a sort of “eating away” of my body which took about two months. I felt to be eaten up alive, and lost much weight accordingly. I felt like slowly dying, and at the same time an unprecedented new, and clear “energy.”
Yet, like as U.G. claimed, the aftermath took years, and even today I’m not sure the “effects” are over. But the real clue I think, is that we both came to a deep, lived understanding that “the questions” cannot be answered, not even the final question one comes to in the end.
In fact, it seems one needs to be going through all the questions that come up and likewise finally to this so-called “last question.” The whole effort from the quest is to come to the intellectual end, to come to this last big question, and realizing that it can’t be answered ever.
To U.G. that question was “How can I know for sure that this is the state? The state I’m already in.” To me the final question was “What to do now? There’s nothing more to do.”
That creates sort of an “implosion,” or “calamity” if you like. But it’s an a-causal event. It happens in spite of all one did. Despite all efforts. It’s not an event that’s caused by volition.
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What’s then left is this astonishment, this “end of all,” this new life being born, this total peace of mind, one which is impossible to convey, and perhaps — that’s the real tragedy.
What we dis-cover can’t be shared. We can only point at it. We can only hope that others work for themselves, trusting what we have to say. It’s always personal work. It can’t be done for you.
It’s like a little child that learns to walk. It needs to do that on its own. Others can show, support, but it needs to stand-up, find its balance, and start to walk, trusting that it can be done, with all falling that comes with it.
When every possible effort is made, when we come to total desperation, total humbleness, to this necessary acceptance of our “littleness,” when we see that nothing will “do the job,” maybe then something can happen.
In spite of yourself. In spite of the questions. In spite of all.
