A couple of years ago in Thailand, I was discussing the quest for Spiritual Enlightenment and Self-Realization with an acquaintance, and at some point she asked me: “But when are you becoming a finder?”
At the moment she said that I thought it was a very interesting remark, but exploring what she really meant it unfortunately proved to be only witty, and a rather empty, parroted phrase. Yet, my first response to her question was: “I really don’t know what I’m looking for, so how can I find anything at all?”
But after that conversation I realized it wasn’t really the thing I had been wanting to say to her. It wasn’t, because the fact was that I deeply believed there’s nothing to find and therefore nothing to seek. But why then was I still discussing “the quest?” Why did I keep on looking? Why was I still a “seeker?”
I think I was still looking for the absolute certainty that there’s really nothing to find. Because that would definitively make me quit the whole thing. It would just blast away “the darn quest.”
I suppose I wanted to find a logical, intellectual certainty: the certainty of “not being able to find.” The certainty of either my own incapability, or of no answers ever being available.
But then, how can one come to this kind of knowledge?
I finally came to find there are basically but two options. The first one is to keep on searching until everything is sought for and nothing found. But this option would probably take me a lifetime or even many lives (if one believes in reincarnation).
The second option looked somewhat differently. Somewhat more promising. It comprised of just “to stop seeking,” because that would make utterly sure I wouldn’t ever find a thing. That would give me the absolute certainty I had been looking for.
I think, after too many years fruitlessly travelling the first option, I’d finally decided to opt for the second one. But mind that opting is one thing, and capitalizing on it a very different kind of move. It’s not that simple, because what still beats beneath the surface is bound to come out anyway.
As the saying goes: “You can always run, but you cannot ever hide.”